So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am one with the molecules
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
