I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
