I'm gonna have a badass scar
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
