dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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