I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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