just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
