and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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