The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
