So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you had me at cake vodka
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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