they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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