You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
