you traded sex for a burrito?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize