apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
