It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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