I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
handjob tips. give me some.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
