Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
