the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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