Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
