Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize