We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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