I accidentally had phone sex last night
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
