She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
