So drunk its hurt
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
