she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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