When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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