i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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