Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
false alarm, still single
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