I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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