So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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