My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
