you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
