just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
