Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We are all done wearing pants today
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
