I feel like abortions should bother me more
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
