IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
