Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
