The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
