i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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