i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
