I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
