Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
