I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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