Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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