Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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