Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize