Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
