he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
