sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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