This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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