You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
