God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
