you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
