I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The power of my boobs compel you
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
