Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
