Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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