my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
