Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
