Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
