When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize