You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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