Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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