Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
