This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
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