I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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